I’ve gotten back from holiday. It was awesome. I’ve decided though not to post anything on here for a little bit though as this will enable me to finally get a lot of technical repairs done to the site, along with a minor facelift. So expect all new features as mentioned in previous posts along with a few more within the coming weeks.

I don’t think I can stress the amount of work that needs doing on this site because, whilst it looks fine, under the hood it’s a complete mess.

I could also do with coming up with a new logo I suppose. Preferably one that isn’t a penis…

I had an epiphany this morning…

…Surely Alcoholics Anonymous (and other anonymous societies) aren’t very anonymous if people are just gonna stand up and introduce themselves, like someone going “Hi, my name’s Steve and I’m an alcoholic, except for weekends when I’m an alcoholic named Barbara”.

I also think that rabies isn’t something to be sneered at - it just allows animals to fully express themselves.

It’s mornings like today’s that make me think that life hates me. Well, not only that it hates me but that it likes to play tricks on me like how Santa’s elves slowly inject pig fat into his stomach whilst he sleeps.

This morning I woke up insanely early and was able to, in a relaxed manner, get ready at my own pace. It was actually really nice. I was able to watch TV for a bit, grab an insanely long shower and actually wake up before I left the house.

Everything was fine.

Everything was awesome.

Or so I thought…

…until I realized I couldn’t find my house keys.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been re-organising my room, throwing out all sorts of junk from papers I don’t need to bags and bags of old clothes, etc. So now, my room is really tidy and has about half the things in that it used to (and yet it still looks pretty full) but the main point is that it’s tidy and if my keys were around, then it would be obvious where they were.

Dave came over last night to catch up on some TV shows that he was missing out on and I remember going downstairs and locking the front door after he left. From that point on, I’m pretty sure that I went straight upstairs and into bed.

I checked my bed. I checked under my bed, the sides of my bed, my desk, my shelves, my chair, everywhere! I checked the bathroom sink, the toilet, literally everywhere. Apart from, of course, the one room that I never go in; the sitting room!

How the hell my keys made it in there is beyond me? I’ve previously mentioned how my subconscious manages to hide my keys in different places but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve somehow managed to start sleepwalking.

Think about it. My subconscious is one twisted son-of-a-bitch. I’m sure you’ve read the weird dreams I’ve been having lately. Why wouldn’t my subconscious want to go one-step further to piss me off?

I can imagine it now. My subconscious thinks “I know what I’ll do, I’ll wake him up really early so that he thinks he’s got plenty of time before he goes to work, but what he doesn’t know is that I’ve hidden the keys in the sitting room downstairs and he’ll never find them - so he’ll be locked inside his own home with no means of escape muahahahahahaha”.

Evil, evil….

Oh, but it gets worse! After finding my keys I was late enough as it was. I finally managed to escape from my house only to find that there was a huge mountain of snow and ice on my windscreen, and my ice-scraper was no-where to be found. After a while of searching in the garage I was able to find it and got to work scraping away.

I showed up to work, late, and sat down at my desk and proceeded to get on with work.

However, I forgot to go photograph some students (for the second time in a row) to make a poster of them - the only opportunity I have to do so being during morning registration. Later on I went to help the head and on my way back I walked into my office, only to remember that it was no longer my office and that I had in fact been moved to a different one months earlier!

I then choked on my chicken curry at lunchtime and couldn’t find a cup anywhere to grab a drink. One thing I don’t understand though is that every time I’ve been choking, no-one reacts straight away. People only seem to think you might by choking. So instead of getting you a drink, or helping you in any other way whilst your face turns purple and while you struggle breathing and whilst you’re also hitting your stomach trying to dislodge the food trapped in your windpipe - people seem to think that that’s an appropriate time to ask you if you’re choking or not.

Do they expect me to be able to answer? Am I somehow supposed to be able to say in a posh voice “Yes, it does appear as though I’m choking a lot, and it’s a funny thing that you mention it actually as I’m afraid that I do happen to be choking and could very well pop my clogs any moment now as I begin to run out of breathable air. But thank you awfully for noticing, that’s very kind of you.”

Personally, I would say no.

People always ask it though. But actually, this time was slightly different. I think they’re getting fed up of me forgetting to chew and therefore ending up choking as one of the dinner ladies said “You’re not choking again are you?”. It was still a question I was unable to answer. She then told me to choke quietly - something I thought that, without being able to breathe, is exactly what I was doing?!? Maybe my subconscious was busy making noises behind my back?

Thankfully one of the other dinner ladies gave me a plastic cup so that I could get a drink of water and wahey - the dead chicken’s attempt to kill me was foiled.

I think that would be a pain in the neck if the ghosts of animals that you were eating tried to kill you for eating them. Chickens can obviously cause you to choke by lodging themselves down your throat. Then you have cows - that’s gonna leave a mark. And don’t get me started on how bad it’ll be when you eat squid…

Another thing I’ve never understood is vegetarians. I don’t mean to offend anyone who’s a vegetarian - I have a few good friends who are vegetarian, it’s just that as I understand it, vegetarians don’t like how animals are killed and then eaten by humans. But I have just one question…

What about the plants?

I believe that plants are treated far far worse. More of them are grown and culled as food. They’re cut up into little bits. Their babies (seeds, fruits, etc) are often ripped from them without any consideration. People often fondle them to see whether they’re ripe or not (if they were animals that would be counted as beastiality and if they were people then they’d be accused of sexual harassment). Talking of sex, they have a really raw deal as they’re only able to have sex with themselves. Sure, it means that they can enjoy it whenever they want but it’s still a lonely, unfulfilling sex life.

People tend to have plants as a side order to their main meal. As a result of vegetarianism, it means that they eat far more plants and I think that’s just wrong and cruel. Not only because they’re eating more plants, but because that means that there are far less plants for animals to eat, which results in them starving and eventually dying.

So whilst you think you might be saving animals by not eating them, actually more are dying. Plus it also encourages people to do the whole “For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three” schemes.

And who knows? Maybe my subconscious has already started doing just that….

So remember kids - Say “No” to a veggie and give them a wedgie!

If you haven’t read Dave’s latest post yet then you should do - as he’s planning on writing the concluding part to his tragic tale. That is, if he has the energy.

Dave’s getting shattered from his new job. Since starting, he’s only been able to come up with one single insult a night towards me. He simply just does not have the energy to come up with any more.

As far as I can tell, this new job basically entails him trying to sell some kind of machine that deals with compost. After he’s done that, he’s sent home to do research so that he can understand the legislation and everything else about it.

And they’ve given him a free work laptop. It comes complete with biometric security in the form of a thumbprint scanner and he’s named it “Whore”.

I asked him if I could add that to the computer name dialog but he said “no”. For some reason he doesn’t think it would be funny for people at work to find a ‘Whore’ on the network.

Now he forbids me to go near it. I think he’s close to applying for a restraining order so that I can’t come within a certain radius of it.

Which is a shame.

Although in some respects I suppose it’s good that he’s not sharing his whore about…

…first and second of all, I’ve never been on one or even get involved with the cops…because of someone else……without my lawyer present….or that no animals were involved….getting lost????? Me too!!! Guess what I’ll do for you, ill start at the beginning.

As you know, i use to be a slut. The keywords i want you to look at is “use to be”, but after this story i don’t think you will be thinking of me in the same way as you use to (strangely or with gay intentions).

I started this new job, advertising, you know when you get a call on your mobile (withheld number) and there this really happy person on the phone who wants to rape you for all the money your worth. Well that was my job, and I’m pretty sure i hated it. But, there was a great advantage to working there, women. Now, I’m not even that low to go out with women (colleagues) from work and try to nail them……………………….(oh come on)………………………….(i thought you knew me)………….but i did try anyway, against character, i swear.

I first started with this very nice girl, (label her “Short Snorts”), we went out every lunch time and had coffee. Innocent, nice. Then we had a couple of nights out, had drinks, no sex. It went really well until, she left the company.

Bummer.

So, i sucked it up and started on this new girl ( I’m going to name her “Bouncing Barbie”). “Bouncing Barbie” was engaged, but she was only with him for 2 months. And to be fair, she started it with me. Now ladies reading this or do read Al’s entries daily, you think this is pretty low and typical of a male to do this, but i said no, not until she had made her decision between her fiancé and me…..she dumped him 2 weeks later and was now with me. Great, Dave has a girlfriend………………..yeahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships, especially fresh ones, always have the ghost of past ventures knocking at the door, no matter how many times you try to shake them. I know this situation I’m about to describe to you is all my fault but, i mean come on….i might as well been sleeping with Saddam when they lifted that rock up and found him in that hole… that is how bad it was.

In a nutshell, I organised a leaving party for myself from the advertising company i was currently working at (told you i hated that fucking job). I invited everyone from work to come, including some past employees to…you know…say good-bye. Well, i might of invite “Shorts Snorts” and just let a past girlfriend (who happened to live close to my leaving do location). Now i didn’t except them to show up, or i didn’t have a real grip on whatever or not me and “Bouncing Barbie” would actually happen.

So, i get to the pub, couple of friends, drinking shots, chilling out, talking about how one of my past colleague was getting her non-surgal ass transformation next week. Well, the first to show up was my now girlfriend “Bouncing Barbie”, and she was wasted…she’s not much of a drinker. Barbie and me had both decided not to be all coupley that night, just have a relaxing night with drink and mates. Around half way through it, when i was feeling wavey, i looked up and “Short Snorts” is standing right there in the doorway….and she was looking for me.

I’m like “Ok man stay cool, shes not here for you, shes here for everyone else and to say hello… that’s it…we’re friends that’s all….god help me”. So sliding away from “Bouncing Barbie” i went up to “Snorts” and gave her a hug and asked how she was. She said she was good and she was here for me……this is where i tried to pulled out my gun and top myself really.

To tell you the truth, I never stopped liking “Short Snorts”, but she left and we hadnt had much contact since, and i did and do like “Bouncing Barbie”…still… and don’t you dare tell me that women haven’t done this because guys and girls are more the same then anyway likes to admit…just name one thing a girl has been through in a relationship or finding one that a guy hasn’t been threw???

Anyhoo, i was stuck there, again i admit it, it was my fault, i was suck between wasted present girlfriend and now getting drunk girl who just came to take me home with her. I have changed and did something that still feels very weird with me, i explained to “Short Snorts” that i couldn’t see her because i was with “Bouncing Barbie”, she wasn’t happy but my other colleagues had already told her to stick around and keep trying. Great…. and “Bouncing Barbie” was getting very upset that “Short Snorts” was taking up all my time, to a point of crying, alot.

You know when god throws you alot of curve balls to teach you something… well i must of dry humped god’s wife or something, because the next person to walk through the door was my ex-girlfriend, we didn’t break up all that well and she thinks shes black, but shes not, shes white. You know, listens to alot of rap and blues, looks at the mirror and wants a bigger ass kind of thing.

So I’m stuck there now, with my present and presently wasted girlfriend (”Bouncing Barbie”), wasted old flame (”Short Snorts”), and my “racial confused ex-girlfriend”…..you know what kids, what happens next is going to be an entry and a story for next time… so if you want to know what happens to your ex pervert writer then please, give me a post on to what you think happens. Good night ya all!!!!