Okay, firstly some good news, and some bad news about my last post.

The good news is that my good friend Ric managed to find and point out that the information I received the other day from Risley Prison was a hoax. It’s a bloody sick hoax, but at least it’s better than actually being true. You can read more about it here; www.snopes.com/horrors/madmen/pinprick.asp. And for those of you wondering how the message came from Risley Prison – my dad works there 2 days a week. As in employed, not locked up.

And whilst Ric was able to correct me on that information, my friend Saz did the same but instead gave me the bad news;

1. the fire at Raffs wasn’t that bad
2. it was started by a fridge
3. Raffs still exists

Still, you gotta admit – it must have been one smart fridge. There’s an old mill locally that was burnt down the other week by a teenager (who’s name I shall not disclose as I could lose my job, lol) and my guess is that it heard about it and decided to spontaneously combust. I wouldn’t blame it. And I don’t. In fact, if I wore a hat, my hat would go off to that fridge.

My fridge is lucky. It has a freezer compartment which is used soley for storing ice-cream. The seperate dedicated freezer that sits next to my fridge isn’t lucky enough for my ice-cream. I once accidentally slammed the freezer door into my face when it got a little stuck once, and the plastic door thingies on the inside for each compartment have caused me a bit of pain on more than one occasion – so I’ve banned it from ice-cream. My fridge is also, on occasion, blessed with the opportunity and honor of chilling my Shloer. Shloer is great, Shloer is awesome, and I bet that the Raffs fridge never once got to see a single drop of Shloer. No-wonder it went suicidle/homicidle/burning-down-a-nightclubicidle. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I love my fridge. I don’t pet it. But I bet that the Raffs fridge got lonely during the day. Sure – it’ll have been able to share the company of the cash register – but they’re mean and horrible. All they care about is money. Selfish, mean and greedy cash registers never make good friends for a fridge. They don’t even know how to beep out “Row Row Row Your Boat”. It’s like all the beeping and “Ch-Ching” noises have gone to waste.

Work’s been getting to me recently. There’s a fridge there that’s twice the size of my own fridge in the staff room, but I don’t think it’s learned the art of spontaneous combustion yet. That is, of course, if you can call it art. Lots of things can be called art. Someone was telling me the other day that there was an artist who pooped in a tin can and sold it for loads as art – and he did it as a symbol of how sh*t most ‘modern art’ is and how stupid people are to pay thousands for it. Anyways, exactly a week after Chris had wrecked my computer at work, it’s finally back up and running. He even had the nerve to say that I wasn’t doing much work – WHO’S BLOODY FAULT WAS THAT THEN?!?

It even got to the point that I started freaking out and ended up sending this txt to a few people;

“The earwigs are coming – but there’s NO WAY OUT! All I have are some post-it notes and half a packet of biscuits. What do I do? THEY HAVE A FIRE-BREATHING GOBLIN CALLED ROY!”

I’ve had some interesting replies;

From Marc:
I would recommend trying to bribe them away with the packet of biscuits.

From Max:
What I usually do is go into stealth mode and creep past the acrobats and jugglers. Only then will the whereabouts of Fritz Langs’ Metropolis become apparent.

From Sarah:
Well eat the biscuits for stamina and attack with the post it notes ATTACK ATTACK!

From Nat:
Sounds cosy! Who the hell is this? I don’t know the number!

Monday’s going to be interesting. There are some kids from the Special Needs class who are interviewing me. Yes – interviewing me. At 11:00am. They’re going to be asking me questions like “What’s your job description”, “How much do you earn?”, “What kind of training have you had?”, “No seriously, what do you actually do here?”. I’m seriously worried that they might find some kind of loophole and find some reason that I should be fired. So far surprisingly I haven’t – and the school are still paying me. Even their Special Needs teacher has been interviewed by them. Apparently she was terrified. She actually felt like she was being interviewed for a job and the kids were looking all serious and stuff. I’m thinking of sneaking them candy. Would that count as bribery? They’re interviewing the Head straight after me – so I need to make a good impression! And as snacks might be outlawed at school, I need to show that I’m the guy that they can count on for supplies…

I’ve been talking online with my friend Justin from the States and he’s said “hmm it sounds like the men in black are causing more problems than anything else. i think you should fire them and take their salaries”. Personally, I think it’s a great idea, but there’s one problem. They work for a high school. High school staff are employed by the local council. They in turn make up part of the government (or as good as). Firing them would be hard – not only because I’m not they’re actual employer but also because getting rid of The Men in Black who essentially work for the government could get me killed.

And my fridge is too much of a pansy to protect me.