If there are any reports of my death then they’ve been greatly exaggerated. Unless of course they say that I’m alive, in which case they’re pretty accurate. But then again, it wouldn’t be a report of a death would it? Unless someone died. Or maybe if I’ve stepped on, and killed an ant?

I think I might have stepped on an ant.

Anyways, the reason I’ve not posted anything in a while is because Tilt is now better and I’ve been driving him around EVERYWHERE!!! And I can’t ever just drive somewhere though, I have to drive there and then drive around a little bit and then get lost and then find myself 30 minutes away and then make a wrong turn and find myself an hours drive away and then when I get home I find some other way of avoiding calling it a day.

Like tonight, after making a wrong turn and ending up really far away, I managed to get close to home – about 2 minutes away. But then, just as I was on a roundabout, there was also a stretched humvee with lots and lots of flashing lights on the side, on top, on the front, on the back, underneath – literally everywhere! So I went on my second limo-hunt.

Limo-hunting is something which I came up with after seeing my first limo since passing my test. It’s where you try and follow the limo for as far as you can either because you lose it or it’s going too far, but with the hope of finding out where its destination is and who’s inside (as it could be someone famous). It could be classed as stalking, but I was never good in class. Especially my maths class. I had to drop A-Level maths when they realised I didn’t know all my times tables apart from the basics (1x, 2x, 5x, 10x, 11x, and the 9x but only cos I could do it on my fingers). Anyway, a stupid car with a stupid driver got in my stupid way and went stupidly slow. And before I could overtake it, two more cars overtook us both leaving 3 stupid cars inbetween me and my limo-target.

Bamboozling Snoozypants!

So I return home only to find an ambulance heading towards an accident. So I go on an ambulance hunt but quickly lose it. Then two police cars go past me in the other direction so I followed them. But I lost them aswell because I’m not allowed to go through red traffic lights.

But one thing that I realised on my journey late at night is that not only did my 5 minute drive home from the Theatre end up lasting at least 2 hours, but also that the dark can make branches look like something else – such as making it almost appear like I had almost run over a baby elephant!

It was a tiny baby elephant. In fact, I’ve watched enough reports of elephant births on Blue Peter to know that elephants don’t come in that size. And yesterday I saw a guy working in a shop who looked like an older, slightly more fat version of the young kid from ‘Honey I shrunk the Kids’. Unrelated? I think not! Afterall, you didn’t see elephants in that movie. Not even small ones. See… everything makes sense in the end. Apart from clowns. Especially ones with the honking noses. I like the ones with the nooses best. Because they can hang themselves. Lion tamers should train their lions to eat clowns, and the elephants should just instinctively stampede all over them. It worked in Jumanji.

It’s a pity no clowns were hurt in the making of that movie though…