Have you ever felt that dogs might be smarter than we think? That perhaps they even have a sense of humour? Like perhaps maybe they’re just buying their time before they become the ruling species on the planet, almost as though they’re thinking “we’ll let them have their fun, for now…” ?

Last night I went to bed and can’t remember for the life of me what happened. In fact yesterday for some reason is a bit of a blur, which scares me as I don’t even drink. Although I have had a lot of Shloer recently. I have 10 empty bottles in my room at the moment. And if you don’t believe me – tomorrow I shall have photographic proof! Anyways, last nights dream was also a bit blurred, but I do remember playing tennis with a wizard who had promised not to cheat. However I was always suspicious because when the ball flew at me I would get attacked by pigeons. And later on there was something to do with giant fire-breathing babies that wanted revenge on donuts but I can’t remember what the hell that was about. Strange.

Anyways, today I woke up, watched the latest Smallville from the US, then watched an episode from season 3 (as I’ve recently managed to aquire Smallville Seasons 1-3 on DVD). Then I went into town and booked tickets to see Ross Noble live onstage. That’s gonna be AWESOME!!! And then I went and saw Dave and his twin brother Chris cos it’s been their birthday recently.

Chris has a dog called Toby. Toby is a big dog. I’m not sure what breed exactly, but if I had to guess, I’d say he was, erm… big! He’s also a very horny dog. You sometimes have to be careful around Toby, as he might very well attempt to rape you. I do not say this as a joke, nor am I making it up, he will hump you! Many people have visited Chris only to be assaulted by Toby. A guy called Ben once got attacked repeatedly. What made that night funny though was that Ben was so incredibly stoned and I’m not sure he was able to figure out what exactly Toby was doing to his leg – but he knew enough to run back into the house and shut the door!

My last few visits to Chris’s house have resulted in me having to cover all my entrances and exits, but today when I arrived he seemed fairly calm. Surprisingly he wasn’t on heat. He walked up to me and stood infront of me. Then I said something that I now regret.

“Heya Toby. You see, I prefer you like this – I like you better when you’re not horny. Don’t get horny! Don’t you dare get horny!”

- Then he peed on me.

I felt an odd sensation on my foot. It was like “gee, that sure is warm” then it suddenly hit me. I looked down, and instead of having two white socks I had one white and one yellow. I looked back up at Toby and he had an odd smile on his face that made it seem like it was all a joke, some kind of sick twisted sense of doggy humour. I threw the socks in the bin and fortunately Chris was kind enough to give me a pair of his. But whilst I thought it was Toby having a pee on me, Dave pointed out that he was infact marking me – as in “You’re my bitch” which according to Dave makes me about number 24 on Toby’s bitch-list.

Are dogs allowed bitch-lists? I suppose it’s the doggy equivalent of the little black book? But that aside, have you ever noticed that dogs don’t pee on open ground? They always pee on something. They’ll either pee on a wall or against a lamppost or on your G’DAMN FOOT! Never just on the floor. I reckon that they’re leaving markers around for the day at which they strike back at mankind. I can feel it brewing. Something’s brewing. And this time it’s not trapped wind. They’re up to something – I can smell it.

I sure hope that’s not pee I can smell….