I was on the phone to my friend Dave. He said he was in Manchester. I asked where abouts. He said Salford. He said he was trying to sort out a bus back to Warrington. I said “Don’t be silly, I’ll pick you up”. He said “Are you sure?” I said “Yes, I used to go to a school in Worsley which is near Salford, I know roughly where it is”. He said “Cool. How long will you be?” I told him “About an hour or so”. Dave was happy. Dave was grateful.

Dave is an idiot.

I thought that rather than going to Salford via Warrington (i.e. the way I know), for the first time ever (considering I’ve not been driving long), that I’d brave the motorway. If I was going to Worsley then going via Warrington wouldn’t have been too bad as it’s more direct. I thought it could be great, it could be fun, it could be a learning curve. I didn’t know what I was doing. And Dave is an idiot.

I planned this carefully - with a map! I made sure I had the right junction onto the motorway, and I got onto the motorway at junction 3 as I was supposed to. Joy! Happiness! I waited for junction 4 to show up. The sign passed overhead. There it was! Junction 2! Wait… Junction 1. Then Stockport!!! I’d only gone and forgotten that motorways work in BOTH DIRECTIONS! So off I came and back around I go and back onto the motorway.

Junction 2. We’re doing well. Junction 3. Back where I started. Junction 4. This was getting good. I needed to get off at junction 7. What’s this? Roadworks? Why’s the road splitting in two? Why’s the motorway over there and I’m on a slip road here on… JUNCTION 5?!? Yep, I came off of Junction 5.

So after managing to find a place to turn round (they dont’ make it easy the closer you get to Manchester) I get back onto the motorway. It was at this point I lost concentration on junction numbers. They were annoying me. Until I noticed something familiar.

JUNCTION 3!!!!

I was only right back where I started! I’d gone back again in the wrong sodding direction! AGAIN!!! Right, well this time I’m doing it right. I went to Junction 5 - past the roadworks and stuck to where I needed to be. Came off on the right Junction, was just about to head into Salford, called Dave and he passed me onto his friend Olly to give my directions to his house.

Me: “I’m just coming up to Salford now.”
Olly: “Salford? It’s not actually Salford you’re supposed to be coming to.”
Me: “Where am I supposed to be going then?”
Olly: “Worsley!”

Dave is an idiot.

Back I go onto the motorway, albeit at Junction 9 this time, and back I go off at Junction 13 to go to territory that was once familiar to me during my high school days. I eventually got to Olly’s and picked up Dave. I set off at 9pm. I arrived around midnight.

It was worth it though to just hear Olly shouting at Dave over the phone just as we were hanging up…

“You’ve sent him to Salford instead of Worsley you idiot!!!”

Next time Dave wants picking up, I’m tagging him with a GPS tagging device implanted into the sole of his foot! Dave - you sir, are an idiot.

However, in the process I’ve now learned how to use motorways and can now handle them without any problems.

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