I want to meet Sod. I don’t know who he is or where he lives, but I shall train a Sod-sensing squirrel to sniff him out and nibble at his nuts until I arrive, at which point I will poke him in the eyes repeatedly. I really REALLY hate his law, and if his law was a stick, then I’d beat him with it until he started pooping out daisys. Which, if we accept the laws of Physics as they truly are, means I’m going to be beating him for a very long time.

Cue Friday night. Louise and I decided to go for a random drive. I suddenly found myself on the longest bendy road ever. It just went round in one big circle and it was almost as though it was a roundabout with no exits (which is impossible because I’d already managed to drive onto it.) Suddenly Louise noticed something big with wheels almost smack into the side of us from no-where. It was then we realised where we were. THE MOTORWAY!!!

We didn’t know which motorway, or which direction we were headed. But we stopped at the nearest service station and had a meal at Burger King. We got back with no problems at all (not that Louise was convinced when I told her we would).

The following day I picked her up and we went to see Dave. We went to the cinema to get times for Doom and then went in search for food and drink. It’s at this point I should probably point out that together we’re pants at finding things. Instead of finding somewhere to sit down for a quiet drink, we instead found ourselves in Laser Quest shooting at about twenty kids, none of whom could have been older than 6 years old. Louise did well, despite it being her first ever time. Dave however, was THE ENEMY!

I saw him in my sights. He was stood there, right before the dark maze that stood behind him. He turned to run into it. I saw two kids. I told them that on the count of 3 we were to chase after Dave. I counted to 3 and sent them in. They didn’t know me, I didn’t know them. All I know is that I named one Cannon and the other, Fodder. They died so that I may kill Dave. Incidentally, they were crap. I didn’t kill Dave on that occasion. However there were plenty more times that I did get to kill him and I ranked up a score of about 20 more points than he did. Woohoo!

The best bit though was running into the enemy base and having 5 and 6 year olds shouting as loud as they can.

The Children of Darkness: Get out! This is our base, you’re not aloud in here!
Me: That’s why it’s called an invasion!

I slaughtered them.

We then decided to make another attempt at finding food and drink. We went to Chicago Rock but couldn’t wait 40 minutes for food, so just settled down to some drinks. When we’d finished (with 15 minutes remaining until the film started), we returned to Tilt and saw something so horrific, so terrifying, worse than the look of the parents faces when I slaughtered their kids in Laser Quest – Tilt had been clamped! I went to get more money out of the cash machine and left Louise and Dave at the bar along with the lesbian barmaid that Dave had once drunkenly attempted chatting up without realising that she wasn’t at all interested in men. [Note: This does not mean that they didn't kiss - I seriously don't know how that man does it...]

£60 and 30 minutes later, Tilt was free from the clutches of that yellow iron device of metallic clampage. Late for the film, we rush over to the cinema to see if we can exchange the tickets for a later showing. Except there was a problem. We couldn’t find the tickets. I’d sodding lost them.

So back I go, trying to search EVERYWHERE for the tickets and yet to no avail. I even managed to find the clamping man and check if I’d perhaps given him £60 and 3 free cinema tickets by accident. To his disapointment I hadn’t. But fortunately the kiosk lady remembered me and the manager offered to escort us into the film. We had our own escort. Nice. It’s just a pity that UCI Cinemas is now owned by those bastards at Odeon.

So, Doom… It’s a sci-fi with The Rock and lots of guns. What more can be said? Basically, it’s so bad it’s good. But you really have to accept that it’s really really bad.

Cutting our loses, we went home and began what would eventually turn out to be our first ever Superman-fest. We watched all four movies back to back. My movies, Dave’s idea, Louise’s nightmare. Here’s her reaction (taken from Pure Irony of Mind);

they got me started on the worst twelve hours of my life. Superman 1, minute’s leg stretch, Superman 2, minute’s leg stretch, Superman 3, act 1, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Superman 3, act 2, pee break, Superman 4, surreal feeling that my world isn’t the real world and that Dave and Alastair are under dressed due to shortage of tights and cape. Not funny at all. Its one of those moments when you don’t realise your falling until you taste the carpet.

For those that remember the Superman movies, the main villian of Superman II is General Zod. He’s the closest we’ve got to a Sod. Damn him, damn his laws and damn his Kryptonian treachery!!!