I’ve come to the conclusion that my property needs defending. Granted, because I’ve not been well I’ve not exactly been motivated to clean up my room. I currently have 4 plates, 1 bowl and 8 cups in my room. Not to mention 12 empty cans of coke, two empty bottles of coke, an empty bottle of shloer, an empty carton of apple juice and a full unopened can of Stella Artois. I’m not entirely sure where the beer came from, cos I don’t even drink the stuff.

Anyways, aside from all the junk in my room, there are things that I don’t want to get stolen – such as myself. I don’t want to be asleep in my bed and have some weird crazy person breaking into my room using nothing but a sledgehammer and a rubber duck who then decides to kidnap me and take me away to a place where the Crazy Frog is deemed good!

There is no way that I’m ever going to go to Crazyland against my will, and so for that reason I’m going to invest in security.

I’m going to get a Guard Llama.

Why? Well just take a look at the following website, aptly titled “Guards“. Firstly, you’ll note that they work for food. I don’t have much money right now (especially now that I’m going to have to pay court fines following the accident with Tilt). so feeding the llama food seems a viable option. Once I’m out of food, then there’s grass, and after that, I can feed my father to the llama whilst I search for other means of viable nurishment…

They are easy to care for. Treat them like a big sheep. They eat the same feed, receive the same vaccinations and are dewormed with the same medications.

That’s handy. If I have any problems I can shave the sheep, make a warm jumper for myself and with my warm jumper run off to the nearest farm and steal their feed and vaccinations. Problem solved.

They have a natural guarding instinct and are wonderful protectors of livestock against predators like dogs, coyotes, cougars and bears.

Many people who know me know that I often worry about the bears outside. I hadn’t even thought about dogs, coyotes or cougars. The world is a scary scary place and so a llama is certainly looking like a very good idea for me right now…

You don’t need to worry about the llama biting or injuring your livestock.

It’s nice to have assurance that my llama won’t start eating animals from my barnyard playset.

Upon further reading, it seems that you need multiple guard llamas to defend against cougars & bears. I certainly don’t want to get attacked by them when I least expect it! So I guess I’m going to have to go with Mambo and Dori. Although, I’ve gotta admit, Maleba is the funniest looking llama I’ve ever seen!

I was also looking at my friend’s livejournal site, entitled “Random Spectator” and she had a link for Ten Top Trivia Tips on different people. So here’s mine;

Now I have two gripes about that – firstly, I have actually said the words “Play it again, Sam” because my younger brother is called Sam (and incidentally will be 7 on February 6th – woo!) and he plays the piano and violin. I also know that they’re not referring to Quantum Leap, because co-incidentally I saw an episode this morning called “Piano Man” where after Sam has finished playing a solo piece on the piano, Al says to him; “Play it again, Sam. I always wanted to say that.”

And yes, I know that there’s a certain irony about me being called Al and my brother being younger and called Sam. Our naming was in no way related to Quantum Leap – although when my mom suggested the idea of calling him ‘Sam’, the thought definately crossed my mind…

Anyways – the other major gripe; “The average duration of sexual intercourse for Al is two minutes.” Now, being a virgin (I’m not ashamed to admit it) I wouldn’t know about how long I could last during sex, but I must say that having it listed in the ten top trivia tips about me isn’t exactly helping me any…

Which brings me onto my next point – if you’re a girl that I happen to be attracted to then you should have stopped reading this about 10 minutes ago. Unless 2 minutes is considered impressive? In which case, carry on…

One thing that I definately agree with though is “Finding Al on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.” I say this only because if you do happen to find me snooping around your christmas tree next December, I’d rather that you don’t try to contact the police, or the men in white coats, or the army, or the bears outside, or a man with a lobster for a foot, or anyone else who might in some way either keep me captive or harm me and/or the voices inside my head.

When I get my guard llama I plan on training it with weapons, namely spoons, forks and duct tape. Hopefully, it shouldn’t be long until it’s able to do something like this to an unsuspecting victim.

Failing that, I’ll just hire Jack Bauer. He comes with a great recommendation!