You’ve got to love Spam e-mails, you really do. In fact I just received one this morning that was Cc‘d to my sister and someone else that I’ve never heard of.

Apparently, this person who signs his name ‘Ben’, is under the mistaken impression that my name is ‘Wuliton’. Wuliton is a native-american name which means “To do well”. What exactly is it that I’m supposed to be doing well? Ironically enough, he makes a suggestion and gives a solution. Here’s the email as it originally appeared;

 

Yo Wuliton,

You still wanna to impress ur girl. You still hearing about it about it in the bed then stop by www.cpyxgi.org/lh/. Think about it, no more worries anymore about ur unit, I'm not.

day man is ruthless in his use of insecticides, and is spraying vast areas of Africa. T

could be connected to external modems or else to ISDN lines. Such remote node or access service. moral rectitude, and an unending beautiful scent will bloom you into a wonderful person inside out. A .

hope this was helpful
Ben

 

Now let’s inspect this further shall we?

You still wanna to impress ur girl.

I’m amazed. I truly am. He knows that I want to impress my girl. There’s no question mark - that’s not a question - that’s a statement! How does he know these things about me? Obviously I don’t have “a girl” in the sense of either a daughter or a girlfriend, but there is a girl I’m interested in at the moment and somehow he knows I want to impress her. Shocking! Even if his grammar is terrible.

You still hearing about it about it in the bed…

He even goes on to start his own little rap. It’s kind of catchy, don’t you think? And true, I’m hearing about wanting to impress this girl whilst I’m in my bed. I lay in bed awake at night, listening to the voices. Some of them are soothing and help me to sleep, others are doing a bit of stand-up comedy which always makes me chuckle, whilst two in particular keep arguing about who’s turn it is to play with brain cell #63 (yeah that’s right, I’m talking to you Voice-7 and Voice-562! I know you’ve tapped into my optic nerve and can read this! Now pipe down, the both of ya!) Voice-252 helps tell me how to impress her. There’s nothing dirty or perverted here. That’s mainly because Voice-69 got killed by Voice-666. Unforrtunately Voice-999 & Voice-911 couldn’t make it there in time to save him.

Think about it, no more worries anymore about ur unit, I’m not.

No more worries? Well how can I possibly turn down an offer like this? In fact, he offers more proof about how well he knows me. Trouble with my unit? How did he know? My computer’s been crashing repeatedly for the last few months now, and it’s been getting worse this last week. I’d love to not have to worry about my computer unit. I’m also relieved that he’s not worrying about it. I’d hate to make other people worry about my computer. There are far more important things for others to worry about. Like whoever’s next to be spoofed on the 2nd episode of South Park’s season 10.

day man is ruthless in his use of insecticides, and is spraying vast areas of Africa. T

He’s got a very good point there. Day people really are ruthless. It’s the night people who are a bit more kind, for two reasons mostly.

1. They’re too sleepy to be ruthless
2. They can’t see where to spray their insecticides. For all they know they might be spraying their foot and what’s a night man without feet? A Nightcrawler. Just like that Kurt Wagner fellow from the X-Men.

Except Nightcrawler has feet. I guess that after a few months your feet grow back, but it’ll be painful none-the-less. Especially as, well… have you seen the hooves on that guy?!?

But what gets me is the fact that these ‘day men’ are spraying large areas of Africa? What about the lions? I guess that’s what the “T” is there for. I feel that Ben’s trying to be quite calm and caring, and as such is ommitting the “Mr” before the “T” so as not to frighten me. Mr. T will easily be able to protect Pride Rock and all those that Simba reigns over, especially with those big gold chains, for those gold chains can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.

Apparently 96 percent of Americans believe that Mr. T still pities the fool.

could be connected to external modems or else to ISDN lines. Such remote node or access service.

It’s here that it gets a bit ambiguous. Is this the start of a new sentence? Or a continuation of the last one? Is it possible to connect Mr. T to an external modem? Or maybe it’s something to do with pouring tea all over some ISDN lines? I personally think that’s it’s more likely that it’s something to do with my unit and impressing my girl. I’m not convinced though that Mr. T would put up with such jibba-jabba. In which case it’s a good job that he’s all the way over in Africa then, isn’t it?

moral rectitude, and an unending beautiful scent will bloom you into a wonderful person inside out. A .

Awww. Look at that. He’s talking about moral righteousness - well that’s bound to impress a girl, right? So maybe that’s the answer? Impress her with moral rectitude and “an unendng beautiful scent” will bloom me into “a wonderful person inside out”. Awww. It makes me feel like a butterfly. Which means that I’m a catterpillar at the moment. Oh well, at least they remembered the butter, because otherwise it would just be a fly which would mean that right now I was nothing but a maggot.

And look at that last word. “A.” That means I’ll turn into a grade-A butterfly-esque person. Wow. I’m so excited! I can’t wait to impress her with my beautiful scent and blooming personality. Screw the Lynx effect, I’m going with Ben’s advice!

hope this was helpful
Ben

Well yes, I thought it was very helpful Ben. Thank you. It’s been so enlightening. But don’t ever email me again or I’ll spray insecticides all over your unit.

And by “unit”, I mean “penis.”

I hate spam!

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