Right now my eyes are smouldering with the blackened smoke left from earlier when my dad regrettably burnt his meal. In otherwords, they sting like a puppy’s mother! (I didn’t want to go with the ‘B’ word so early on in a post…)

Earlier today I had a bit of a sleep. I was tired. To be honest, it’s a pattern I tend to follow quite regularly – and most who know me will know that it’s not always just when I’ve got some time free. Especially seeing as I’ve even been fired from a job for falling asleep on a conveyor belt.

Anyway, I had the most amazing dream. It was brilliant. I invented something which in essence could make me rich! I remembered it in so much detail. As soon as I woke up I ran to my notepad and scrawled down the basic design before I forgot it. I figure that later on I might be able to put it into practice and who knows – if I patent the design or whatever, then it could be the thing that makes me a millionaire?

Screw you bank debts!!!

The design is pretty simple; It’s got a couple of wheels at the back. You sit on it, and there are pedals for your feet which turn the back wheels, and there’s another wheel at the front. And the more I began to wake up the more I began to realise that I’d just invented the tricycle.

Crap. :(

Over the course of this evening, I’ve been checking through my emails. If you thought that I had a problem with emails in my last post, tonight has been the last straw. But what really gets my goat is that I didn’t even get a straw. No straw at all. My goat is not happy. His name is Jeff. My goat is called Jeff.

Jeff and I like vanilla ice-cream. Vanilla is good. I’m eating it right now. It gets Jeff excited. Sometimes this means giving him sleeping pills to calm him down. If not, then Jeff might kick someone. If you got kicked, you’d get hurt. You may not like Jeff then. But Jeff is nice really. He’s a nice goat.

Do any of you like goats? If not then you might like Jeff. He’s not like most goats. Jeff likes to go swimming, but he almost drowned last month. Frank saved him. Frank is my monkey.

I have a monkey and a goat. Frank likes Jeff but Jeff doesn’t like Frank. Frank stole Jeff’s ice-cream. He was not very happy. But Frank is a good monkey. A cheeky monkey, but a good monkey. He likes goats. Do you like goats? Everyone should have a goat. Everyone should have a goat called Jeff. You could name him Geoff, but I already know a guy called Geoff, so that’s kinda like stealing someone’s name. I know a Jeff aswell. So, that would be like stealing too…

Yeah, you can’t call your goat Jeff. You could call it Reginald? Or Percy? But he’ll never be like my goat Jeff. My Jeff is great. He’s a goat, and he can run fast like this; WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! See? That’s fast! He’s faster than Frank. Frank can’t run fast. He can swing real fast though – especially if you have a banana. You have to be careful though, because Frank’s favourite food is bananas. There was a guy who had a banana once. 10 seconds later… NO BANANA!

Instead he had a big headache. Frank’s a tough monkey. He’s actually quite a scary monkey. That’s why Jeff doesn’t like Frank. He’s not a bad monkey, he’s just bloody violent! The only reason I’m able to sleep at night is because I know something that he doesn’t…

{ { { He’s not real! } } }

Anyway, what got my goat was that I’ve received some more spam. I received one which was a bit more blatant than the last one. It came with the subject “Now you can be more popular with women”. Wow. Well, yeah. That’s great.

‘Verdie Diaz’, the unknown person who sent it to me, gave me various testimonials from people who have used whatever it is that they’re selling.

Apparently Matt from Florida has been using the product for 4 months now and his sex life has been saved because it’s increased his length from 2″ to nearly 6″. But what is this amazing product? I don’t know what it is yet? What is it that has increased his length from 2″ to 6″? Now I don’t consider myself an expert when it comes to this stuff, and I think most would consider me the least qualified to ever talk about anything related to this. But as I understand it, what usually makes a guy increase his length from 2″ to nearly 6″ is usually called an erection.

Right?!?

So I’m thinking that maybe this wonder-product is called pornography? Well let’s see what Thomas from California has to say about this product?

“My girlfriend loves the results, but she doesn’t know what I do. She thinks it’s natural”

Well Thomas, of course she’ll think that an erection is natural. The most probable reason is because it is. I think that she’ll also love the fact that you have erections because otherwise she might get paranoid into thinking that maybe you’re not interested in her? But still, if you have a girlfriend then do you really need the pornography?

Or is it just that you’re not really that interested in her?

Verdie goes on to say that you can “Pleasure your partner every time with a bigger, longer, stronger Unit”, so maybe I’m getting this all wrong and perhaps they’re selling a super-computer?!? My ex was a gamer. I’m sure that there are lots of people with girlfriend’s who are gamers. What gamer chic wouldn’t want a super-computer that was able to render almost pixar-quality games?

“Realistic gains quickly”

Nah, it’s probably pornography.

But this is the point that I really get confused. I think this is also the reason that it managed to bypass my spam filters? Now this makes absolutely no sense to me, but can someone please explain to me why it ends with an extract from HARRY POTTER?!?

"and you can't apparate anywhere inside the buildings or grounds," said harry quickly. "hermione granger told me."
Oranjestad, Aruba, po b 1200
"yes," said dumbledore. "i am sure that once we take the horcrux, we shall find them less peaceable. however, like many creatures that dwell in cold and darkness, they fear light and warmth, which we shall therefore call to our aid should the need arise. fire, harry," dumbledore added with a smile, in response to harry's bewildered expression.
"what's up with her?" asked harry. "tom," said the girl's voice again, now so close they were clearly right beside the house, "i might be wrong, but has somebody nailed a snake to that door?" "this was your sacrifice for the dark lord, not to teach your favorite subject?" she jeered. "why did you stay there all that time, snape? still spying on dumbledore for a master you believed dead?"

Seriously – that’s exactly what the email ended with! It actually reminds me of what happens if you replace the word “wand” with the word “wang” in the first book.

In fact, what’s probably the most bizarre thing, is that judging by the date on the email – it isn’t supposed to arrive until tomorrow! :?

That wasn’t the only email I got that annoyed me. In fact there’s one that’s far, far worse. It’s not spam. It’s not clever. It’s just so amazingly annoying!

And you’ll have to wait until the next post to find out what it is. ;)

(See, I told you it was annoying)