Well it wasn’t until after my last post that I suddenly realised what day it was. I’ve completely missed April fools day. I was awake for the whole thing, but I was too busy doing other stuff to notice.

Bugger.

Anyway, something has been brought to my attention. Something that I’m not very proud to admit. Something that I’m hoping I’m not the only one out there who wasn’t aware of it (and please, pleeeeeease if you were just as mistaken as I was then please leave a comment so that I can know that I’m not the only person who doesn’t understand this whole concept);

Breasts.

Yes, I’m on about those things that women have, that men, lesbians and bisexual women want, and that bi-curious women think they might possibly be interested in after some initial exploration (or so I’ve been told). Yes, ladies and gentlemen; breasts – those things that once-upon-a-time I believed squeaked (something that I’m constantly reminded of and that I have no doubt mentioned on many an occasion on this site).

Today I was having a conversation with two of our most frequent visitors; flyakite and Lea and I said something that I probably shouldn’t have. I said to them;

“I’ve got nipples”

It was a statement. An obvious one. I’d taken off my shirt and there they were. I decided to proclaim it to the world, well, to them. Plus I txt it to Dave, knowing that it would freak him out (when I see him in the morning, I want to see how awkward it gets and if he mentions it or not lol).

Anyway, it kind of backfired because then we got onto a talk not only about nipples but the milking thereof. (Just to be clear; not in a sexual context – although I admit I was very scared when Lea said she was bi-curious and not only milking herself, but getting her roommate Fran to milk her. And then asked me to join her. Yeah, I was very scared. But thankfully, she was just yankin my crank!)

So anyway, the conversation moved on and I can’t remember how we got to this point (and I can’t copy/paste the conversation because I’m still on my Dad’s computer so the messages weren’t logged) but I do remember asking how much milking would be required on a woman’s nipples before milk actually comes out.

And then I was told that women only produce milk when they’ve had a baby. Which confused me (and this is where I need people to back me up on this misunderstanding) because I was sure that women always had milk from puberty. And that the reason that they had big breasts and men didn’t is because theirs was full of milk. And that women with bigger breasts have more milk in them than women with smaller breasts.

Which is also why I thought this line from ‘Look Who’s Talking‘ existed;

James: Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
Mikey: Yeah. Lunch!

If the receptionist with the breasts behind the counter didn’t have milk in them, then why would Mikey be thinking of Lunch?!?

Anyway, long story short I think I was made fun of a bit. If no-one explains these things to me then how else am I supposed to know?!? :cry:

It’s not my fault I don’t know what’s inside a woman’s breasts. All I know is that they have nipples on the outside and I’m not allowed to touch them.

Which according to Lea means I’ve been taught well. Apparently.

The first time I saw ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin‘, just like the main character ‘Andy’, I too had never touched a woman’s breasts before. So when he’s trying to convince people that he’s not a virgin by talking about touching a woman’s breasts, when asked what they felt like he tries to respond by saying that they felt like bags of sand.

I remember being sat in the cinema thinking “nice cover up!”. But then everyone laughs at him and it was then that I realised that it wasn’t a good cover up and that breasts do in fact not resemble bags of sand.

Now I know that you must be thinking that if I too thought that they felt like bags of sand, then how could they if they were filled with milk? Well I just figured that cos you don’t ever hear it sloshing about inside that maybe it was condensed or something – which is why breast milk is supposed to taste horrid and that maybe it just becomes a liquid when it comes out of the nipples. That, mixed in with perhaps an inner lining of the breast in total adds to the whole sand bag texture?!?

Please tell me that there’s someone out there other than a fictional character who has mistakingly shared a similar belief about breasts? Preferably beyond the age of 18 (baring in mind that I’m 22 years old).

Please? :cry: