What can I say? I – am – in – SHOCK! There isn’t a stalker of Shloer in our midst (unless you count myself, but for the sake of this post, we’re not going to do that). No, there is something far, far worse than that; something I never imagined would ever exist.

The picture you see before you was sent to me earlier today to my phone from a number which was not listed in my phonebook. All I know is that along with the photo was a message attached, which said;

Mmmm. Jealous?

Well, err – ye-ha! Of course I was jealous. I’ve been suffering for 39 days, completely unable to drink Shloer and not only this far on am I greeted by this picture, but it’s a picture of my favorite flavour of Shloer – White Grape! Worse still, it’s not even a full bottle – it’s only half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it). That means that the Shloer Stalker (and any possible accomplices) have been drinking from it!

After the immediate shock and pain and hollowness I felt in the pit of my stomach, I began to send a txt message back;

That’s SO CRUEL! Aaargh! And what’s worse is that for some reason I dont have this number on my phone? Who art thou that playeth cruel tricks on me?

I waited patiently for a reply. Okay, let’s be honest here… I sat almost shaking in horror at the sight before my eyes. The minutes passed. And eventually, I received a reply…

I am your Shloer stalker! I have learned of your fate and will tempt you now you are at your weakest!

According to my phone that message also contained a sound file, but for some reason it was unable to open it. Chances are that it was just a multimedia message that was sent with no sound file but my phone got confused. Or could it have contained a sound file of some evil laughter? Or worse, could it have been satanic messages? On hindsight, I’m glad that my phone wasn’t able to play the attached sound file.

I replied again;

Noooooooooooooo! Seriously, this isn’t fair! This is such a cruel game to play on such a helpless shloerolic! Do you have no heart?

It was then that I received the last [yet probably not the final] message;

Not really no. I will strike again when you least expect it. Muhahahaha! Muhahahaha! Muhahahaha!

Help.

It’s not that I don’t have any idea who it is who’s sending these cruel and tormenting messages – it’s more that I have every idea who it is. And (whilst not trying to sound sexist), all my guesses predominantly point towards women I know.

The girl who’s name shall not be mentioned told me yesterday that her mom had bought two bottles of Shloer for them to drink today. So immediately my first guess was that it was more than likely her teasing me with Shloer. Except that theory falls flat because apparently they bought two bottles of “the red variety”.

So my next guess leads me to regular viewers of this site. And the girl most likely to do it would be Lea. But I have Lea’s number and not this other one. Could it be that Lea has two phones? Or that maybe she’s using someone elses? It’s the same with Annabel (a friend from the theatre who used to comment on here but hasn’t done in a while) but likewise, I have her number. But then there’s Lea’s friend Fran whose number I don’t have. Fran could easily have gotten my number from Lea.

Then I started to panic and think outside the box. There’s a friend called Alice who I’ve tried getting in touch with recently but she’s never answered her phone. Possibly because she’s busy or because people don’t like talking to guys who have only just discovered how breast milk works, or… she might have a new phone!

But then there’s also my friend Jo. I’m seeing her and her fiancé Jim on Monday, but bumped into Jim outside Tesco after drooling at all the Shloer yesterday. So now he definately knows about my Shloer withdrawal and between him and Jo… yeah they would probably do it. Alice and Jo are both likely candidates seeing as they’re the two that introduced me to Shloer in the first place.

But let us not forget Helen, another friend and commenter on this site who’s well known for such teasing and practical jokes. It was only earlier that she was teasing me about having a cheese & tomato pizza!

Then I started thinking about people I know who I’ve not spoken to on the phone for quite a while but who I know have read this site. And of those people, some of them may have had a new number. Plus, a saturday is the day most people get a new phone.

Names ran through my head. I then thought to myself; “what if it was someone who’s using an old phone of theirs?” So I raced back to my old phone and looked through my old phonebook. To get an idea of how old this phone is, my ex’s phone number is still on there because it’s been that long since I used it it’s stll got that information on it. Well, not anymore.

The most terrifying thing is that now I don’t know when they’re going to strike next!? Will they strike whilst I’m in bed asleep? Will they strike whilst I’m walking down the street? Will they strike in my dreams? My nightmares? My socks?!? I don’t think I’m going to even be able to take showers anymore incase I get knifed to death!

But worst of all, more terrible than any of the above… What if the Shloer Stalker turns out to be that floppy eared, egg dropping hippity-hopping behemoth, better known as The Easter Bunny!?!

I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to cope? If there was a time I needed Shloer more than anything, that time is now. Damn you Shloer Stalker!!!

Please. Somebody.

Help me.