MySpace. The first time I ever saw that site was when Dave’s cousin came over and said “Check out my myspace - you should really sign up with one” and my immediate reaction was “No way, I’ve seen it - it’s pathetic”.

That’s mainly because I was confusing it with MSN Spaces (Now Windows Live Spaces… you know what, I’m not going to go into the whole new “Windows Live” branding thing, but it genuinely pisses me off). Anyways, I saw MySpace and yeah, it’s actually good and I’ve been on it a long time now.

You can view it here: Shloerolic

Before MySpace though I was signed up with faceparty. I’m still on faceparty and check it every now and then and have spoke to a few people on it but I must emphasise - a few! The main reason is that there seem to be very few normal people on it (normal by my standards anyway, which ain’t very normal to most lol). But I’ve noticed that most people tend to use it as a “Get laid quick” site.

But you come across some really funny profiles at times, like this one;

Now if you’re going to choose a username that involves the word happy - looking as miserable as you can get probably isn’t going to give people a good impression. It also annoys me that on a site called FACEparty, there’s a heck of a lot of people without faces. I don’t mean as in they’ve been torn off by the bears outside or that their housemates have dunked their head into a bucket of acid, assuming of course that the bucket wouldn’t have disolved, creating a huge whole in the floor that burrows its way down to the dark caves of the Golabi Tribe; a group of midget folk who feed on daffodils, mud, and magazines featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar. The drop in her popularity has meant that the Golabi Tribe are growing thin in numbers but no doubt they’ll find another source. After all, they used to feed on magazines featuring Michael Jackson until they went sour.

All I mean is people who don’t actually include their faces in their photos. There’s actually a very good picture that’s been doing the rounds on the internet for a LONG time now so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve already seen this, but certainly on faceparty it seems to ring true for most people (click to enlarge);

Then we have a site called HotorNot.com. Now this one is quite good, in some respects. Aswell as being able to rate people on a scale of 1-10, you can use their “meet” section to meet people on the internet. It’s quite simple. Bob looks at Bill’s “meet-me” profile. He reads where it says “Do you want to meet me?” He chooses “No” because he doesn’t want to meet dudes. So he filters it by women and suddenly Susan pops up. Bob likes Susan, so he clicks “Yes”. She gets a message saying that Bob has clicked Yes and so she looks at his profile. If she wants to meet him too, she clicks “Yes” and they are both then double-matched and able to message each other.

Simple.

Now it’s good in that along with your pic you can include a few words about yourself and some keywords - and people who have the same keywords as yours are highlighted in bold. But 50 keywords and 250 characters to describe yourself isn’t much. And likewise, it’s hard to tell what someone’s like based on that, but it’s better than nothing. I’ve actually spoken to a couple of really good people on there. It’s easy in that you don’t have to say anything at first - you just click yes or no. It’s when someone’s clicked yes back that you’ve actually got to start writing lol, but in some respects it can help.

But I had a problem once when trying to add one of my pictures. Take a look for yourself below;

Now I couldn’t figure out what on earth it was that I’d done wrong? So let’s go through the common reasons why a picture won’t be approved?

Group photos - it is unclear which person is supposed to be rated

Well, don’t get me wrong, but I think that big arrow that says “Me” is a big giveaway?!?

Underage photos - the person in the photo looks under 18

Actually, I was 22 in that picture and it was for a show where I played an 18 year old (that was an early publicity shot - in the show itself I ended up with my hair all spiked up - imagine Yahoo Serious in Young Einstein - you’ll get the picture….)

Unclear photos - your face is hidden or too blurry to be rated

I have a blurry face? That must be it, because it’s not hidden? Maybe the person moderating this photo forgot to wear their glasses and is blaming me for their blurred vision instead?

Inappropriate photos - nudity or sexually suggestive photos are not allowed

Geez, where to start with this one? What exactly about that picture is “sexually suggestive”? Is it because two men have their arms around each other? It couldn’t be that mixed in with the title “It Runs in the Family” could it? Maybe the moderator just thinks I’m a penis? Or it could be the opposite and they may be imagining me naked… or fellow actor Dave being naked (different Dave to the one on this site lol). I think the moderator may have issues…

Fake photos - the photo has been altered or is of someone famous

Well the only thing that’s been altered is that I added a huge stonking arrow with the word “Me” on to avoid the “group photos” problem. And sure, as an actor it would be nice to be recognised but I am in no way famous. Also, technically this means that famous people wouldn’t be allowed to sign up with this site. In fact, what if someone signs up and THEN becomes famous - the moment they add another picture surely that too is going to be rejected?

Anyway, I sent them a message and they replied back apologising saying that they couldn’t see anything that was wrong and so now it resides on my hotornot profile.

But this brings me back to MySpace. Sometimes you get random adds from people who want to add you to their friend list. I received one the other day from the most bizarre person…

A 29 year old woman who calls herself “G-Love” and who’s photo is of her sitting on a toilet, has this as her description:

I am a pimp. I run a world wide organization of online pimps. They pimp online and battle over the major cities of the world to find out who the ultimate pimp will be. If you think you can keep up with this fast paced, free, online action and build the greatest pimp dynasty then check us out. Careful, you will be attacked by rival pimps so join or create a crew that can offer you protection in numbers. See you there…

Now obviously this is some sort of game and not real online pimpage. (I checked with the Golabi Tribe who are a very knowledgeable people - mainly because I got scared that pimps might actually attack me!).

So I proceeded, with caution, to click on the link that apparently is “the only place to PIMP online”. Now I noticed that “pimp” was written in capitals. Does this stand for something? Poop In My Pram? Paddle In Mirky Piss? Photograph Indecent Monkey-Pigeons? I just don’t know?!?

Now apparently there are 746 registered pimps on “World Wide Pimpin”, 2 of which are online, 4 are out pimping and 5 are attacking other pimps. Gripping stuff, eh?

Now someone has really thought this game through. check out some of the stuff from their manual;

Crack: You have to keep your hoes smacked up on crack. The more hoes you have the more crack you will use per turn. Crack can be produced in the drug lab or purchased from the drug dealer. If you use any turns and do not have enough crack some of your hoes will become unfaithful and leave you.

Condoms: You have to keep your hoes wearing protection otherwise they will become unhappy and leave or have to use expensive medication to rid themselves of the diseases they will catch.

Booze: Booze is to thugs as crack is to hoes. You have to have enough to keep your thugs happy before you use any turns otherwise you risk some of your thugs getting pissed and leaving.

Pimp Store: Here you can buy the essentials to any pimp: condoms, crack, booze, medicine, bikes, lowrider’s, hummers, thugs, 9mm’s, shotguns, and AK-47’s.

Apparently you can even break into the homes of other pimps and kill their thugs. I guess that’s what 4 of them are doing right now. It even lets you initiate drivebys.

Not my kind of game. I suspect that the 29 year old woman on the toilet is actually a man anyway.

Instead, I shall be filling a lot of my free time on a website that my friend “H” (as mentioned on Episode 9 of The Choad Show) has recommended and I can’t believe I’ve never heard about it before. It’s brilliant! She also draws pictures for it and she’s a brilliant artist!

Anyway, so for those of you like me who have been missing out all these years, here it is; b3ta.

Word has it that once the Golabi Tribe have cleaned away all the acid that has now destroyed their home and exacted their revenge against headless faceparty people, they too shall visit b3ta.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006 at 3:09 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.