Okay, so again, I’m not wanting you guys to get the impression that TheChoad.com has been reduced to a record of dreams, but I’ve got to say what happened this morning.

First of all, my alarm went off. At that moment, in my semi conscious/unconscious state, the first thing to pop into my head was “Isn’t it amazing that there’s a baby that’s been born and I’ve been asleep longer than it’s been alive?” to which someone replied with “Yeah, wow. And it won’t shut up.”

Now please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not a violent person. I love children - especially babies. They’re cute and fun and hilarious and I used to be one and I would never ever ever punch one - but in my dream I inexplicably did so repeatedly and it wouldn’t shut up! Then I lifted up its head and pressed the button underneath (also known as opening my flip-phone and pressing the button to shut up the alarm).

Silence.

I fell back into a deep sleep. But thankfully, I’m able to [rarely but sometimes] outsmart my subconscious. Because I’m aware that I do stupid stuff like turn off my alarm without being consciously aware of it, I set more than one alarm on my phone. So whilst I had gone back to sleep, my phone was yet to wake me up again.

Suddenly I became Mexican.

Me and my friend (who’s name I can’t spell, but is pronounced ‘”Vel-ahh Man-when-ehz”) had a problem with the alarm. “We can’t get awee from it Señor.” So we went next door to Dave’s house and spoke to his Dad.

We then spent the next 15 minutes trying to come to a deal with him. We spent ages pleading with him to help us, but he refused to because of the legal and moral implications. We offered him money. He turned it down, as 0.001% wasn’t enough for him. After a while of bartering, we reluctantly raised our offer so that he could have a whole 2% of everything we earned, and he agreed to help us cross the border.

What’s weird is that the moment he said “yes” my alarm went off and ‘Vel-ahh Man-when-ehz’ shouted “Jurst in ze nick of tyme Señor!” Dave’s Dad then quickly helped us across the border from Sleep-land into Wake-land and I awoke in my bed, turned off my alarm and got out and proceeded to download the latest episode of Scrubs, had a shower, watched scrubs and then went to work where I am now writing this post (naughty naughty).

So that pretty much covers this morning.

I was also reading a newspaper last night that I bought the other day (I tend to buy a paper and not read it till a couple of days after. If anyone can fill me in as to why then that would be greatly appreciated as I don’t have a frelling clue). I started reading the agony-aunt page and the main story of them at first seemed like the usual, run-of-the-mill “I caught my girlfriend cheating on me” story. But no, this one was slightly different. The headline read;

I found bride-to-be in bed with my mum

Well, what can you say to that? Apparently he came home early, found lights on that he wasn’t expecting, had a sense that something wasn’t quite right and went upstairs to find both his fiancée and his mother completely naked in bed with their arms wrapped around each other. Sunday dinner’s going to be weird…

Talking about awkward moments after sex, my friend Pete posted a bulletin on MySpace entitled “3 Words Post-Sex” and I responded to it with my own submission. Take a look;

Have a sense of humor and make up any 3 words you can say after sex.

(try not to use what someone else says…)

Put your name and the words below and then repost this.
Lets see what we end up with…

Stephen - Wana go again?
Kerry - That was shit!!!
Emily - I’ve had better
Phil - Now get out…
numpty - im really shaking
prison boy - put kettle on!!!!
Laura B - was that it???
Woody - Who are you???????
sade - quick ur girlfriend/boyfriend
Nay Nay - Thanks, cum agen!
lil Bex! - I wanna do it again!
Oli - Is that poo?
Charl - get off now!
Gaskell - Oops, it broke
Pollard - Thats 8 inches?!?!?!
Pete - you finished yet?
Alastair - I have aids…

Okay, two obvious things to point out, firstly I don’t actually have aids, and secondly ‘lil bex’ can’t count. Please feel free to add your own suggestions to the list on the comments of this post if you can think of anymore, although I do think that 3 words is pretty restrictive in what you can put. I was almost tempted to go with “Like a glove” but wasn’t sure if everyone would get the Ace Ventura 2 reference.

Would it be unfair to fake a heart-attack after sex to see if you could freak out your partner? I suppose if they call an ambulance then that’s a good sign that they care about you - because alternatively if they shout “WOOHOO!” or “1 down, 3 to go” then it’s probably best never to reveal to them that you’re still alive. In fact, just to be on the safe side, if you’re going to have sex with someone who you don’t know very well, it’s probably best to check that your passport is still valid, that you still have enough money for a one-way plane ticket and that you’ve settled your affairs (unless it’s the affair that’s causing you to have to run to another country - in which case you probably deserve whatever you’ve got coming).

How pissed off would you be though if no-one told you that the sea existed? Imagine if you lived in England and you wanted to literally run away to Mexico with your imaginary friend ‘Vel-ahh Man-when-ehz’ because you’d had sex with a psychopathic serial killer (which probably happens far more than you’d expect). You could end up running all the way from one side of the country over to the other and then you’d be like “WHERE THE F*** DID THIS COME FROM?!? And then you’d get a little wet followed by a large chance of drowning.

But if you lived in Shanghai, well they have some of the cheapest cabs in the world - they’re something like 1 pence per mile. It’s probably cheaper to get a cab from there to Mexico than it would be to get a cab from Manchester to Liverpool, which probably makes Shanghai one of the safest places to have sex in terms of an escape-plan unless you know for certain that your partner isn’t going to kill you. In fact, even if you know that for sure, it’s probably best to emigrate there once you’ve gotten married anyway, just in case….

As you’ve probably been able to discern, if something’s happening when I’m starting to become semi-consciously aware of what’s going on around me then it’s likely to enter my dreams. So, based on that line of thinking, if I end up living with a woman at some point in the future then I wouldn’t even like to hazard a guess as to;

1. What they do in the morning
2. How my mind is going to interpret it and incorporate it into my dreams
3. If she’s likely to have an affair with either my mother or my friend ‘Vel-ahh Man-when-ehz’

So if I ever get into a long-term relationship, I’ve decided to prepare myself for every possible eventuality. This doesn’t appear in the guidebooks, but it really is worth doing - depending on the situation and my physical state, either pumping myself full of morphine so that I’ll never be conscious enough or doing the exact opposite - infusing caffeine directly into my bloodstream. I’m not entirely sure how I’d infuse caffeine into my bloodstream other than by stabbing my arm with a screwdriver, inserting a drinking straw and allowing my arm to drink directly out of a Pepsi bottle.

I wonder if ‘Vel-ahh Man-when-ehz’ likes Pepsi?

This entry was posted on Friday, March 2nd, 2007 at 12:12 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.