Shortly after getting into work today, my supervisor received an email from some biking association saying that she’d been on a bike ride with them 4 years previously and were wanting permission to use her picture in their new brochure.

Her picture took up the entire front cover.

And she looks fat.

Which kinda helped her to fill up the front cover.

She’s not actually fat these days, but the angle, plus whatever she was wearing at the time is what accounts for the slight increase in fat that seems apparent. I don’t know if she was fat then or not, but meh. It’s got to be embarassing.

There’s been a few things happening in the news lately (isn’t there always?) I’m not talking the usual news you read about on the front cover or hear about on the TV, I’m talking about the news that you only get to read about a few pages into the tabloids.

For instance, how about this curiosity from last weeks Friday edition of ‘The Sun’?

I HAVE SEX WITH CARS
Weirdo’s seduced 2 boats and a jetski too

There’s a mechanic called Chris Donald who loves his work - mainly because he has sex with cars. I am not making this up. He prefers the curvatious bodywork of a car over that of women. He’s had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years, plus the two motorboats and his friend’s jetski mentioned in the headline. How he managed to “seduce” though them is beyond me…

He even has his own website where apparently there’ve been hundreds of other people with the same kinda interest - and 20 of those visitors have even given their cars to him for a “service”, often pleasuring themselves whilst he works on their car.

His garage is even kitted out for it - it’s heated with a carpeted floor. I daren’t imagine the friction burns he must get when working on the exhaust…

However, this guy does say “It’s all about imagination and creativity. There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.”

What’s worse is that he brags about having exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. “I had them widened and rounded. The firm never asked why - but I loved the view while she was up on the ramp and they were working on her”.

The emphasis is really on the “her” aspect. True, I name a lot of things I’ve had - such as my computers and my cars. But I don’t have sex with them.

There’s a great bit on the page opposite which shows a photographic selection of some of his “lovers”. Most of them have names such as ‘Laura’ or ‘Charlotte’ or ‘Lydia’ - he’s even had a threesome with a pair of Toyota MR2s called Jennie & Sadie. I love how he even had “tender moments” with a Pontiac called Amy.

But the best bit is what it says at the bottom;

Chris gives names to his favourite lovers. Others were just cars in the night.”

Of those one-night-stands, he loved the bodywork of a BMW 635i, broke the heart of a Mitsubishi and had exhausting sessions with an Audi TT.

Chris says “I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far.”

Personally, if I found him sexualy assaulting my car I’d have considered that going too far.

He’s currenlty in a long-term relationship and has explained his fetish to partners in the past (both male and female) and so far only one woman has been jealous.

Chris believes one spark for his fetish was 1980s cult TV series Knight Rider, starring David Hasselhof and featuring a talking car.
He said: “When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars. As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way.”

I really hope he didn’t violate Herby.

In all fairness it is a recognised psychological condition that he’s suffering from - and a specialist in human sexual behaviour says that it’s not surprising considering how cars are sexualised in modern advertising.

Maybe it’s a good thing that Apple stopped doing adverts about how sexy their computers looked and instead went for the PC & Mac ads. The last thing we want is people joining the mile-high club with their MacBook Pro or turning up to hospital complaining about frying their genitals whilst passionately yet vigerously sexually assaulting the firewire port on their iMac.

Chris apparently writes stories about “auto-eroticism” on his website and has penned a manual called ‘How to Make Love to a Car’.

This of course, comes from the same paper that in 1993 revealed that electritian Karl Watkins was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch. This latest issue though about the car mechanic also contained “More filthy pictures of horny little beasts” in a pull-out magazine about cars entitled ‘Motors’. So he basically manages to make it into a national newspaper and gets a free porn magazine out of it. Go figure.

There’s been another car-related story in this same paper about some stupid cops stopping a hearse carrying a grieving couple and the coffin of their premature baby for travelling too SLOWLY. The cop then went on to grill the driver for a few minutes even after the grieving parents and tiny casket had been pointed out to him. Fortunately he’s now under investigation by his police force in Kent. Stupid idiot.

A friend of mine recently pointed out that the British military’s Skynet 5A satellite has been launched into space from Kourou in French Guiana. More so, he pointed out how suicidle it was to name a defence satellite network “Skynet” - doesn’t the Government ever learn?

I think I just answered my own question there…

I wonder if lemmings would ever learn? Obviously there’s the whole, if one lemming jumps off a cliff then all the other lemmings will follow and plummet to their death also, thing. So, obviously not. Then again, it could have its uses, for instance - I personally don’t think that the US should have sent people into war in Iraq - they should have sent lemmings instead.

Think about it - train one lemming to do the dirty work and the others will follow. I’m not condoning the war in Iraq by any means but I think it would have been a far more sensible idea.

Generally speaking though, as long as lemmings don’t start reading Chris Donald’s book, then everyone should be fine. I certanly don’t want to wake up in the morning to find a swarm of lemmings humping my car.

Mind you, I must admit that I’m going to be a little bit cautious next time I take my car in for an M.O.T.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 12th, 2007 at 9:23 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.