It’s mornings like today’s that make me think that life hates me. Well, not only that it hates me but that it likes to play tricks on me like how Santa’s elves slowly inject pig fat into his stomach whilst he sleeps.

This morning I woke up insanely early and was able to, in a relaxed manner, get ready at my own pace. It was actually really nice. I was able to watch TV for a bit, grab an insanely long shower and actually wake up before I left the house.

Everything was fine.

Everything was awesome.

Or so I thought…

…until I realized I couldn’t find my house keys.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been re-organising my room, throwing out all sorts of junk from papers I don’t need to bags and bags of old clothes, etc. So now, my room is really tidy and has about half the things in that it used to (and yet it still looks pretty full) but the main point is that it’s tidy and if my keys were around, then it would be obvious where they were.

Dave came over last night to catch up on some TV shows that he was missing out on and I remember going downstairs and locking the front door after he left. From that point on, I’m pretty sure that I went straight upstairs and into bed.

I checked my bed. I checked under my bed, the sides of my bed, my desk, my shelves, my chair, everywhere! I checked the bathroom sink, the toilet, literally everywhere. Apart from, of course, the one room that I never go in; the sitting room!

How the hell my keys made it in there is beyond me? I’ve previously mentioned how my subconscious manages to hide my keys in different places but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve somehow managed to start sleepwalking.

Think about it. My subconscious is one twisted son-of-a-bitch. I’m sure you’ve read the weird dreams I’ve been having lately. Why wouldn’t my subconscious want to go one-step further to piss me off?

I can imagine it now. My subconscious thinks “I know what I’ll do, I’ll wake him up really early so that he thinks he’s got plenty of time before he goes to work, but what he doesn’t know is that I’ve hidden the keys in the sitting room downstairs and he’ll never find them - so he’ll be locked inside his own home with no means of escape muahahahahahaha”.

Evil, evil….

Oh, but it gets worse! After finding my keys I was late enough as it was. I finally managed to escape from my house only to find that there was a huge mountain of snow and ice on my windscreen, and my ice-scraper was no-where to be found. After a while of searching in the garage I was able to find it and got to work scraping away.

I showed up to work, late, and sat down at my desk and proceeded to get on with work.

However, I forgot to go photograph some students (for the second time in a row) to make a poster of them - the only opportunity I have to do so being during morning registration. Later on I went to help the head and on my way back I walked into my office, only to remember that it was no longer my office and that I had in fact been moved to a different one months earlier!

I then choked on my chicken curry at lunchtime and couldn’t find a cup anywhere to grab a drink. One thing I don’t understand though is that every time I’ve been choking, no-one reacts straight away. People only seem to think you might by choking. So instead of getting you a drink, or helping you in any other way whilst your face turns purple and while you struggle breathing and whilst you’re also hitting your stomach trying to dislodge the food trapped in your windpipe - people seem to think that that’s an appropriate time to ask you if you’re choking or not.

Do they expect me to be able to answer? Am I somehow supposed to be able to say in a posh voice “Yes, it does appear as though I’m choking a lot, and it’s a funny thing that you mention it actually as I’m afraid that I do happen to be choking and could very well pop my clogs any moment now as I begin to run out of breathable air. But thank you awfully for noticing, that’s very kind of you.”

Personally, I would say no.

People always ask it though. But actually, this time was slightly different. I think they’re getting fed up of me forgetting to chew and therefore ending up choking as one of the dinner ladies said “You’re not choking again are you?”. It was still a question I was unable to answer. She then told me to choke quietly - something I thought that, without being able to breathe, is exactly what I was doing?!? Maybe my subconscious was busy making noises behind my back?

Thankfully one of the other dinner ladies gave me a plastic cup so that I could get a drink of water and wahey - the dead chicken’s attempt to kill me was foiled.

I think that would be a pain in the neck if the ghosts of animals that you were eating tried to kill you for eating them. Chickens can obviously cause you to choke by lodging themselves down your throat. Then you have cows - that’s gonna leave a mark. And don’t get me started on how bad it’ll be when you eat squid…

Another thing I’ve never understood is vegetarians. I don’t mean to offend anyone who’s a vegetarian - I have a few good friends who are vegetarian, it’s just that as I understand it, vegetarians don’t like how animals are killed and then eaten by humans. But I have just one question…

What about the plants?

I believe that plants are treated far far worse. More of them are grown and culled as food. They’re cut up into little bits. Their babies (seeds, fruits, etc) are often ripped from them without any consideration. People often fondle them to see whether they’re ripe or not (if they were animals that would be counted as beastiality and if they were people then they’d be accused of sexual harassment). Talking of sex, they have a really raw deal as they’re only able to have sex with themselves. Sure, it means that they can enjoy it whenever they want but it’s still a lonely, unfulfilling sex life.

People tend to have plants as a side order to their main meal. As a result of vegetarianism, it means that they eat far more plants and I think that’s just wrong and cruel. Not only because they’re eating more plants, but because that means that there are far less plants for animals to eat, which results in them starving and eventually dying.

So whilst you think you might be saving animals by not eating them, actually more are dying. Plus it also encourages people to do the whole “For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three” schemes.

And who knows? Maybe my subconscious has already started doing just that….

So remember kids - Say “No” to a veggie and give them a wedgie!

This entry was posted on Monday, March 19th, 2007 at 3:00 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.