So. Hi. Far from my first post being stereotypically female, I think you will see it illustrates perfectly the hefty dose of cynicism I have been imbued with….
Being a frequent visitor to various town centres, I notice things. I’m a keen observer, with a photographic memory, and unforgiving nature. On a normal leisurely Saturday, one would expect to be able to dawdle round shops, manhandling many objects one has no intent of buying, and sit in coffee shops like every other consumer, spending money needlessly on overpriced coffee whilst viciously dissecting the hoi polloi. However, something tells me that one should not judge a book by its cover and at times, a keen attack of guilt renders me mute. Pipe down, my inner voice tells me. People probably do the same to me when I wander past the window of a coffee shop.

Hang on.

I’m not my number one fan, but I don’t think I’m as mercilessly ripped apart as others. This is for a glaringly obvious reason: I don’t dress idiotically.

And so, the point in this rant is to communicate what I think should be standard town centre rules of attire.

  1. No man should ever go topless. Yes, you. Even if you think you have the body of a seedy Italian porn star. It shouldn’t happen. That much flesh should only be exposed during sex, or in the throes of intoxication for comedic effect.
  2. Neon is too bright for daytime. I don’t care if magazines tell you there’s a sodding 80s revival. It’s not big, it’s not clever, and the world does not want to know.
  3. V-neck shirts are no-go. Especially if you have a hideously hairy chest. I know women profess to want to ‘real man’ in light of the recent uprising of skinny-jean clad men, but no woman wants to have to imagine getting her hair stuck in something that looks like Velcro. Please don’t make us.
  4. Dress for your size. If you’re reading this and you’re easily offended, stop being so uppity. You know what I mean. You judge people bigger than yourself, so don’t suddenly form a conscience. Tight fitting clothing with excess flesh spilling out is attractive to no one, despite how big you are. Although it makes some of us glad we understand the importance of portion control and exercise, it would still make the world a nicer place if we didn’t have to bear witness on afternoons out.

That’s enough to be getting on with for now, I feel. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that…